Crackerjack (1994)

Cliffhanger, anyone?

aka "Die hard in a mountain resort"
96min
Notable cast: Thomas Ian Griffith, Christopher Plummer, Nastassja Kinski










As I said before, I'll start sidetracking "every now and then" and thought now is as good a time as any to begin. The quality still has to be shitty, or else it wouldn't fit in here. So I started going through my shelves for something I hadn't seen, at least in a long time, and stumbled upon this one.
Okay, Nastassja Kinski, Christopher Plummer and OH SHIT Thomas Ian Griffith! That was my reaction as I had just few months prior seen the supremely awesome Excessive Force. TIG (as I'll call him from now on) fucking owned that movie even though it had a cast like no other. Excessive Force is full of action and I was fucking thrilled when I found Crackerjack gathering dust in my shelf.

Unfortunately it's not too good.

Crackerjack is another Die Hard ripoff from the 90s and we all love those (at least I and a few other guys I know do). TIG play the titular Jack, a cop on the edge and all that basic action movie stuff. He lost his family in an assassination attempt, so he is suicidal and reckless, a loose cannon goddamnit! So that's where the nickname Crackerjack comes from, not from cracking people up. Well, he does some of that too later, in a more literal way. But anyway, the film starts promisingly enough with a nice shootout in an apartment hallway. Lots of bloody squibs, some arm breaking and bad guys with mullets. Unfortunately that's pretty much the only action in the first 45 minutes. What follows is boring shit about family, love interest, diamond thieves, and how TIG is the only man who can stop them. Fucking half an hour of what could have been told in a few minutes. And what action there is after that is really not that great either. 

After the opening shootout even the violence seems to be little more crappy and toned down.

And the score is fucking abysmal, think of the worst stock music PM Entertainment has to offer and you're not even close.

So a lot of wasted potential here, we all know TIG can execute some serious kicks and here he does nothing, his acting is also sub par. Low quantity of action, few bad lines ("I'm gonna castrate you with a blowtorch") and two exploding helicopters are just not enough, so I'd stay away, unless stumbled upon.

But still, this is far more enjoyable than anything I've watched so far put together. So I'm going to continue these sidetracks, for my own sanitys sake.

#95 Addiction (2004)

aka "Levottomat 3"or "Intimacy 2"
100 Minutes









Woah, look at those alternative titles! Is this a start of a trilogy, sequel, or a second sequel?
Well, it's none of the above. In 2000 a Finnish film called Levottomat (Restless) saw the light of day and was some what of a hit and it spawned two sequels that had nothing to do with each other. Sort of like Halloween 3, or Troll 2 or Cyborg Cop 3. Except those movies are enjoyable nonetheless and this is not.

What a surprise

This is the second erotic drama on this list after 9 1/2 weeks and what do they have in common? Nothing fucking happens. Or nothing but fucking happens.

Addiction tries to tell a compelling story of a career woman fucking (literally) her life up as she's fighting against her sex addiction. 

This has been done many times before, and granted, it's not the worst premise in the world. What brings this movie down is that it's slow as shit, unerotic (lots and lots of man ass) and it is way overlong. This would have made a decent short film but at 100 mins it is just cruel. 

The only source of amusement I got was the dialogue, which was hilariously awful. It's like the actors were reading off of cue cards all the time. The pronunciation and pacing of the sentences was unnatural, almost robot like. Of course this is evident only to those who understand the language.

So this was boring, pointless and only sometimes unintentionally funny, but still way better than some of the previous ones. 

That's six movies down and the shittiness is getting to me. I'm starting to have nightmares of these crapfests. Maybe I'll sidetrack every now and then in the future, you know, watch a bad movie that is awesome. That should keep me sane a little longer.

#96 The Underground Comedy Movie (1999)

92 minutes
Notable cast: Michael Clarke Duncan, Slash (high/drunk as hell)










The torture continues with another "comedy" sitting at number 96. And here I thought Meet the Spartans was gonna be the worst of the, I don't know, first 10 on this list? Fuck that noise, this is easily worse. I was being harsh on Spartans and while it totally deserves all the beating it can get, I feel like I should have reserved some of that anger for this piece of shit.

No, movie, you are NOT a satire

This movie, as the tagline puts it, is "a series of comedic short films guaranteed to offend". So basically ten minute sections consisting of random violence towards elderly/infants/fetuses/women, excessive use of profanity, and some nudity. So yeah, it probably could offend someone only if it wasn't written and directed by 12 year olds. Or in this case a guy named Vince Offer, same thing basically. Mr. Offer probably has the worst sense of humor on the planet, and seems to be kind of a dick too.

Mr. Director

Released in 1999, but it looks like it's filmed at least 5 years prior, I cannot imagine why this piece of crap was released and I certainly hope it did not get into theaters anywhere. It's also Mr. Offer's first and only credit, after which he moved on to infomercials and hooker beatings, and I think it's better that way. Sorry, hookers. 

Nothing much to say about this one either, except it blows chunks, obviously. It has nothing going for it, no idea, no plot, just sketches that suck. Avoid like the fucking plague. I'm getting a little scared if these movies are getting worse by the number, as you cannot really get any shittier than this.

Maybe next one's more easy to review, with plot and all? Sure hope so.

#97 Meet the Spartans (2008)

85 long minutes
Notable cast: Kevin Sorbo











Okay, I'm gonna keep this short as there is really nothing to review here. This movie is a piece of shit. An abomination shat out by two assholes called.. oh fuck it, it's not even worth the effort to google the names of these jackasses. Meet the Spartans tries to spoof various movies, but instead it's just a montage of "jokes" about pissing and/or shitting on someone, puking on someone, kicking someone in the balls etc. There were fucking SIXTEEN of these "gags" crammed in 60+ minutes. Yeah, I counted.

Exhibit A: Penguin shitting on a man

When the movie isn't flinging shit around like I imagine the directors do all day, it's making pop culture references. And my god are they insanely terrible. Oh look, it's Lindsay Lohan leaving rehab, that's hilarious! Britney Spears shaving her own head had me rolling on the floor too! And the "jokes" go on and on. There's one sequence consisting solely of Yo momma -jokes that I swear ran at least 5 minutes. At least Bruce Willis made that work in The Last Boyscout. 

Exhibit B: Dog licking a ballsack

I had a horrible time watching this trash. It didn't manage to make me laugh or smile even once. Hour of my life wasted, I got nothing out of this. Still have two movies on this list from these same assholes, I can't imagine them being worse. Watching this just got me angry and frustrated. And as a bonus, this piece of shit topped Rambo at the box office. So there goes my faith in humanity, flying out the window and into the asshole of a farting penguin. Or something like that, fuck this movie.

#98 Alien From L.A. (1988)

aka "Wanda"
87min
Notable cast: Kathy Ireland, that aggressive dwarf from Eastbound & Down









Sweet, a Golan-Globus production directed by one Albert Pyun. I mean the guy has done such great films as Cyborg and Nemesis among others, so what could go wrong?
Pretty much everything apparently.
This PG rated family/sci-fi/adventure film has Wanda (Ireland) travel to Africa in search of her missing father. Apparently her father was an archeologist/anthropologist/whatever who fell into THE BOTTOMLESS PIT he found when excavating a dungeon in his own fucking basement!

"It's okay if I clean afterwards, right?"

So after our clumsy heroine herself plunges into THE BOTTOMLESS PIT, she finds herself in an underground world known as Atlantis. From there she has to escape after facing execution for knowing too much.

So this is your standard 80s fantasy adventure, sort of like Masters of the Universe, only 10 times worse and sans Dolph Lundgren. Instead we have what is quite possibly THE worst protagonist I've ever witnessed in a movie. Holy shit is she annoying. Ireland play Wanda like she is a mentally challenged geeky 6-year old with the most annoying high-pitch squeal as a voice. I swear I envied deaf people for more than once during this movie. Even other characters in this movie acknowledge this. I fucking dare you to see this movie and not hope for a violent demise for our "hero".

fuck you

Nearly all of the supporting characters have an annoying trait; some make annoying faces, some make annoying sounds, some (most of them) wear ridiculous clothing and/or make-up meant to look cool or some shit. And this one guy sounds like Australian Dolph Lundgren at times, which obviously rules. So in a way, maybe this is only 9 or 8 times as bad as Masters of the Universe.

and some look like Helena Bonham Carter from any Tim Burton movie

There is some good to be found though. The sets are quite cool looking in parts, and the costumes are detailed and there are lots of them. And there is one movie trope that takes a surprising turn, the cartoonishly evil villain isn't in fact a villain at all. Didn't expect that. Also one weird scene is where an obviously very lesbian baddie questions the "villains" orders because he is gay and likes to dye his hair.

Homophobe lesbians against hair coloring!

So yeah, not the worst movie i've seen. In fact, change our protagonist to anyone else and it'll make a decent crappy adventure movie for those who like this sorta stuff. The only solace the viewer has is the fact that maybe someday after the events of this movie Wanda meets a horrible and violent demise.

oh, fuck this movie