#98 Alien From L.A. (1988)

aka "Wanda"
87min
Notable cast: Kathy Ireland, that aggressive dwarf from Eastbound & Down









Sweet, a Golan-Globus production directed by one Albert Pyun. I mean the guy has done such great films as Cyborg and Nemesis among others, so what could go wrong?
Pretty much everything apparently.
This PG rated family/sci-fi/adventure film has Wanda (Ireland) travel to Africa in search of her missing father. Apparently her father was an archeologist/anthropologist/whatever who fell into THE BOTTOMLESS PIT he found when excavating a dungeon in his own fucking basement!

"It's okay if I clean afterwards, right?"

So after our clumsy heroine herself plunges into THE BOTTOMLESS PIT, she finds herself in an underground world known as Atlantis. From there she has to escape after facing execution for knowing too much.

So this is your standard 80s fantasy adventure, sort of like Masters of the Universe, only 10 times worse and sans Dolph Lundgren. Instead we have what is quite possibly THE worst protagonist I've ever witnessed in a movie. Holy shit is she annoying. Ireland play Wanda like she is a mentally challenged geeky 6-year old with the most annoying high-pitch squeal as a voice. I swear I envied deaf people for more than once during this movie. Even other characters in this movie acknowledge this. I fucking dare you to see this movie and not hope for a violent demise for our "hero".

fuck you

Nearly all of the supporting characters have an annoying trait; some make annoying faces, some make annoying sounds, some (most of them) wear ridiculous clothing and/or make-up meant to look cool or some shit. And this one guy sounds like Australian Dolph Lundgren at times, which obviously rules. So in a way, maybe this is only 9 or 8 times as bad as Masters of the Universe.

and some look like Helena Bonham Carter from any Tim Burton movie

There is some good to be found though. The sets are quite cool looking in parts, and the costumes are detailed and there are lots of them. And there is one movie trope that takes a surprising turn, the cartoonishly evil villain isn't in fact a villain at all. Didn't expect that. Also one weird scene is where an obviously very lesbian baddie questions the "villains" orders because he is gay and likes to dye his hair.

Homophobe lesbians against hair coloring!

So yeah, not the worst movie i've seen. In fact, change our protagonist to anyone else and it'll make a decent crappy adventure movie for those who like this sorta stuff. The only solace the viewer has is the fact that maybe someday after the events of this movie Wanda meets a horrible and violent demise.

oh, fuck this movie